I live in a bus

 I went way to long between blog posts, I'm sorry. Even though nobody is reading this anyway lol. I posted some work to skoolie.net, and I keep meaning to transfer those pages over to here. But in the meantime let's talk about the third step.

I wonder, now that I am thinking about it, whether or not I share in a meeting and then don't need to write. Because I almost shared tonight, but didn't. I feel like I had something to say, and lo and behold (is that too many ands?) here I am typing about it anyway. 

The bugs are here. Before I sat down I walked the dog out to the trash can, and the gnats are crawling all over y neck as I type. So they're in the house all night now too. Sigh. I have no air conditioning in the back of the bus. That was a mistake. Even with the fan overhead I don't notice any air flow like a ceiling fan. Just a temperature change. So the nights are still slightly cool, but the heat's coming. Maybe when I finish the screens it will be better. But the bugs are annoying me right now.

I live in a bus. I love it. Even though I am basically stationary I still am super happy about it. It's been six weeks now. The correlation between my happiness and the amount of meetings I am attending is probably more accurate than the living in the bus part. We took a trip to Huntsville Alabama last week. Didn't make it. North of Atlanta we woke up in the morning, drove across the street to BP and Dunkin Donuts and filled up with gasoline instead of diesel. A very expensive lesson but at least the bus engine is okay. So even sitting on the freeway all day and renting a hotel room and renting a car to drive Connor around and living in the repair shop parking lot on a slant for two more days and working Instacart around Marietta while stranded, I still can't wait to be living on the road permanently. But I live in a bus, and the lot I am in turns to mud in the rain, and it's still okay.

I don't know what this has to do with the third step yet, but this blog is supposed to be about Bonnie anyway. What hit me during the meeting is the phrase to drink is to die. I absolutely believe that. For me to drink again will lead to my death, probably quickly maybe slowly. It's a good reminder because lately I miss acid lol. And I think Connor needs to find some peace through mushrooms or edibles of something. but that might be me projecting onto him my insecurities. It comes into my head, and I have ever told him he can experiment, but I mostly leave that to god. 

But I can't imagine drinking again. What a miserable feeling that would be. To drink is to die. And the follow up to that is I cannot control my drinking. I am beyond human aid. I think someone shared, and it triggered this thought, about making the decision every morning to not drink. I don't believe I can make that decision. I am not allowed, because that is me controlling my drinking, in a basic sense. I am beyond human aid, and if I want to stay sober I have to find a power greater than myself to turn my life over too.

I've been fighting god a while again now, even as I let him make most of the decisions. Justifiable anger, throughout the last four years (the Trump years), has been especially rough. But I am finally coming out of the other side. But faith without works is dead. And I am horrible with the follow up! You know that, we all know that. But I am going to try to post more, meditate more, pray more. The back of my neck was bit up and it's driving me crazy right now. 

So what about Bonnie? There were some things to fix and to finish. there still are. Being stationary is a good test of how to live in the bus, what I need and don't need. The biggest frustration right now is not having the couch upholstered correctly. That's a minor inconvenience if I am honest about it. Amber doesn't seem to mind.